It’s Not You, It’s COVID-19

I’m sure you’re familiar with the phrase, “it’s not you it’s me,” made popular by Seinfeld in the early 90’s.  But in this case, it’s actually COVID-19 creating fear and hurt feelings.  Everyone’s comfort level is different in terms of how we choose to interact with our fellow humans around the coronavirus.  We’re social beings, and even introverts like me need to be connected to others. So, how do you get work done, have family time and hang out with your friends when the people you either love or have to interact with are on a different part of the COVID-19 navigation spectrum?  What’s the COVID-19 navigation spectrum?  I’m using it in reference to the individual tolerance and comfort levels we all have when it comes to physical distancing. Do you know where you fall on that spectrum? 

I recently had conversations with a few different people about situations they encountered in work settings.  One friend recently started going into work once a week and she’s on the more cautious (wears a mask, stays six feet from people, not traveling) end of that spectrum.  She has her own office and mostly feels comfortable there because the building is cleaned on a regular basis, most people are wearing masks, and meetings are held in giant conference rooms where people are spread out.  At one particular meeting she was faced with a choice when a senior leader sat within her six-foot bubble.  How would you have felt? 

 As she felt her blood start to boil, she asked him to sit further away from her.  He complied and still wasn’t six feet away.  She asked him again to move further away from her, which he did.  How difficult do you think it was to make that request of a senior leader?  How would you have handled it?  If you’re lucky enough to have a job, are you going to ask a person of seniority to move once… let alone twice?  

How many of us have been in similar situations since we’ve been wearing masks and dehydrating our hands with sanitizer?  Even though it wasn’t easy, my friend ultimately made a choice to set a boundary in honor of her health.  She did it despite whatever uncomfortable feelings came up for her, and in doing so called upon her strengths of honesty, bravery, and perseverance.   What strengths of yours could you use in a similar situation?  One of the tools I use in my practice as a certified life and wellness coach focuses on my clients’ strengths which are based on positive psychology.  Using your strengths in managing stress is connected with resilience and the research shows applying your strengths can help you thrive. 

Making requests and standing up for what you believe in is the first step in potentially getting what you need, and in some cases what you need for your health.  If you don’t ask, most likely nothing will change.   We all get to decide what’s important to us and when we should make those requests that are uncomfortable.  Have you considered what you need and want?  The answer is different for everyone.  My job as a coach is to create awareness around what’s important to my clients as it relates to their values, and what they choose to do about it while supporting them along the way.  

Some of us are obviously more anxious than others when it comes to being around people we’re not quarantining with.  Have you physically been going to work? How do you tell your boss or co-workers without being insulting, “get away from me?”  Unless you channel Ricky Gervais, you may find it difficult. Would you be less anxious if you knew in advance how you wanted to handle a situation?   Most likely the answer is yes, and you would probably have more of a response as opposed to a reaction.  

It’s complicated, confusing, and can bring up a lot of different emotions if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum from co-workers, family or friends.  Are there people in your life you’d like to spend time with, but they’re being more cautious?  What can you do to spend more time with them?  Developing your own COVID-19 tool kit can help you be better prepared.  Wouldn’t it be helpful to know in advance how you’d like to handle various situations in a way that protects you as well as others while being kind and direct?  

I’ve found that being prepared is helpful in how I choose to interact with others on the COVID-19 navigation spectrum.  It’s all a learning process, and as I determine what it is I want and need, I am better able make those requests of others and set boundaries which support my values.  I recently met up with a friend outside for coffee.  He happens to be more on the relaxed (around a lot more people, has people in his home) end of that spectrum and he knows I’m more cautious when it comes to physical distancing.  We sat about six feet apart and at one point he wanted to show me a video on his phone and started moving his chair closer to me.  In that split second I was forced to make a choice.  Do I say something or am I okay with him breaking the six-foot barrier? It was like a shock to my system.  One second I was relaxed drinking my coffee and the next I was on high alert.  My brain was quickly trying to comprehend what was happening when I realized he was moving his chair closer.  Part of me was in disbelief and the other part of me was saying, “HEY, do something!  Tell him to stay back.”  

In the end, I asked him to text me the link to the video, and he respected my request.  It occurred to me later that I used my strengths of prudence, honesty, and forgiveness to maintain my boundaries.  It’s weird and uncomfortable to ask people you like to stay at a distance, let alone those you have to interact with at work or strangers in the grocery store.  Even though we’ve been in this pandemic for a good seven months we’re not used to being in those situations, and do we really want to get used to it? Maybe your answer depends on who’s getting close to you.  Let’s face it, we’re all doing our best to try and navigate something that is new and keeps changing.  You may also find that your comfort level shifts with what you’re willing and not willing to do.  I know mine has.    

 For months I’ve been running and hiking with a buff (cloth face cover) and I’ve only wanted to run and hike with friends who were doing the same.  Most recently I chose to run with a couple of friends I hadn’t seen since before the pandemic.  I knew one didn’t run with a face cover and I decided to join them anyway.  What I did know was they would both be respectful of my space and safety concerns. Although I’m still cautious, I’ve relaxed a bit when it comes to being outside around others.  

You’ll be better equipped when uncomfortable situations present themselves if you pre-determine your needs and wants and how you would like to handle making requests of others around those needs and wants.  You’ll also build your confidence as you practice making requests regardless of whether or not others comply.  

 Even if you haven’t yet encountered these situations, you most likely will at some point as we continue to traverse this pandemic.  What will you do when you get there?  If you’re interested in developing your own COVID – 19 tool kit, you can contact me at Lesli@leslismithcoaching.  You have every right to protect yourself whether it’s COVID-19 related or not.  Who else is going to do that for you?